Egypt's Fight Against the Vicious 4

The Egyptian government, supported by the Public Prosecution and State Security, has drawn up a new catalogue of rules to ensure the national security of the country.

After rulers in schools have proven to be potentially dangerous to rulers in office and even puppets now start to conspire against the puppets of the army by showing off cactus plants with four branches, the immediate threat to Egypt's safety demanded swift action.

Every Egyptian is therefore well advised to read these rules and adhere to them strictly to avoid the danger of getting arrested in the new year:

• As of Sunday all car owners in Egypt will be obliged to remove one wheel on their car as driving with four wheels is regarded to be a sign that the driver supports the Muslim Brotherhood. Adding an additional wheel to circumvent the order is not permitted as this can be mistaken as a symbol of a 5th column.

• All hotels in Egypt are obliged to shut their 4th floor with immediate effect or they will be shut in whole by State Security for supporting the Muslim Brotherhood.

• All international airlines are advised that Egypt will no longer tolerate incoming flights to its airports with planes having four engines. Either one engine has to be removed prior to arrival or only planes with two engines can be used on routes to Egypt. Any plane entering Egyptian airspace with four engines, as the Jumbo Jet or the A340, will be intercepted by the Egyptian airforce drawing big hearts around it and diverting the plane to Qatar.

• All telephone numbers in Egypt having a 4 in them will be shut off with immediate effect. Owners of such numbers must apply to the Ministry of Interior for a new number explaining prior to receiving it why they used such a phone number in the first place and prove with a photo that they are not Islamists.

• All clocks in Egypt are prohibited with immediate effect to show the time between 4 am and 4:59 am and 4 pm and 4:59 pm so as not to support the Muslim Brotherhood. All Egyptians planning to come late to a business appointment during these times are ordered to postpone their unexcused delay to a later time. The government does not expect this to have any visible effect on the economy as the time on clocks in Egypt by tradition is not regarded as being more than a recommendation of what time could be.

• The word 'for' in the usage of English is prohibited in Egypt with immediate effect as it can be mistaken for the word 'four' which shows a desire to support terrorist cells wanting to destroy the country. The fact that Americans frequently leave out the 'u' in words (as in honor instead of honour) proves that the the CIA is behind the word 'for', thus trying to mask the US's secret support of the Muslim Brotherhood. Egypt will not fall for such obvious tricks.

• Scholars in Egypt will no longer be able to study in 4th grades. As education has proven to be just a waste anyway, parents are advised to take their children directly from 3rd to 5th grade. 

• The 4th Dynasty will be erased from Egyptian history books with immediate effect and all pharaohs of that time are under investigation for planning to overthrow the current regime. Their pyramids have been confiscated. – An arrest warrant has been issued against the remains of Ramses IV.

• The Cairo Opera's orchestra is prohibited from performing Vivaldi's "The Four Seasons" with immediate effect so as not to spread fear and panic amongst the audience.

• All insinuations that there are in fact four seasons will be deemed as secret support messages for a terrorist organisation and are punishable by law. Meteorologist are required to pass a test showing that they support the theory that nature in fact only has three seasons on offer and is not violating Egyptian laws.

• The 'Four Seasons Hotel' in Giza and the resort in Sharm el Sheikh are ordered to change their names immediately to 'Three Seasons Hotel'.

• The police and State Security forces are advised to not arrest journalists anymore in fours, as was the current case with Al Jazeera English. The freeing of the cameraman reduced the numbers of detained journalists to three proving wrong any conspiracy theory that the government itself is secretly part of the conspiracy to overthrow the government.

• The year that has just started will be renamed from '2014' to '2015-1'. All 4th days of months will be deleted or left blank. The month April is to be written as '05-1'. All calendars have to be reprinted with immediate effect.

The Egyptian government expresses its hope that these rules will help in protecting the country from insane forces and wishes everyone a peaceful 2015-1.